Respuestas
Ilustración de Mariano Epelbaum para el cuento. Orsai.

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Suena el teléfono en una cárcel de máxima seguridad. El doctor Hannibal Lecter atiende. Del otro lado lo saludan así: «Mi nombre es Gladys y llamo en nombre de la encuestadora Diagrama. ¿Con quién tengo el gusto de hablar?». Escuchen este diálogo delirante en clave de thriller escrito por el uruguayo Nacho Alcuri, en las voces de la actriz Eugenia Guerty y del macoco Martín Salazar.

—Buenas tardes, mi nombre es Gladys y llamo en nombre de la encuestadora Diagrama. ¿Con quién tengo el gusto de hablar?

—Debe haber un error. Estoy esperando una llamada de mi abogado. Mañana tengo una audiencia porque pasaron dos meses desde que se llevaron el asiento del water de mi celda.

—Solo le tomará entre cinco y diez minutos.

—Está bien. Tiempo es lo que me sobra.

—Dígame su nombre, por favor.

—Hannibal Lecter.

—¿Es usted el sostén económico del hogar?

—Tú me hiciste una pregunta y ahora es mi turno. Dime, Gladys, ¿cuál es tu peor miedo?

—Pensar en pasarme el resto de la vida trabajando en esta encuestadora. ¿Es usted el sostén económico del hogar?

—Estoy confinado en una pequeña mazmorra sin más compañía que el enfermero que me alcanza la comida y el papel higiénico.

—Tomaré eso como un «sí». ¿Cuál diría usted que es el máximo nivel de estudios completos?

—De nuevo te apresuras, Gladys. Por tu acento adivino que vives en la periferia de la ciudad. Debes odiar el viaje en ómnibus todas las mañanas. Odias encontrar asiento después de una larga espera y que un desconocido oliendo a sudor, vino y portland apoye lentamente su sexo contra tu hombro. ¿Estoy en lo cierto?

—La verdad es que subo en la segunda parada así que viajo siempre contra la ventanilla. Lo más molesto son los gordos que al dormirse se van cayendo para mi costado y para adentro de ellos al mismo tiempo.

—Sí… Puedo imaginarlo.

—¿Los estudios, entonces?

—Terciarios. Soy doctor.

—Muy bien. Si las elecciones nacionales fueran el próximo domingo, ¿a quién votaría?

—Antes tienes que revelarme otra intimidad. ¿Cuál fue tu descompostura más importante?

—¡Doctor! No pensé que se cachondeara con esas cosas.

—¿Te interesa mi respuesta o no?

—Para ser sincera, llevo dos semanas y todavía no pude llenar un cuestionario completo. Déjeme ver… Mi peor descompostura fue al otro día de ir a un espeto corrido chino, que terminó cerrando la Dirección de Bromatología. Casi me quedo con el toallero en la mano, y no porque tuviera que hacer fuerza. Aquello salía solito y con fuerza, como un volcán invertido.

—¿Volviste al espeto corrido? ¿Volviste buscando repetir aquella sensación tan violenta como placentera?

Quid pro quo, doctor Lecter. Si las elecciones nacionales fueran el próximo domingo, ¿a quién votaría?

—¿Quiénes son los candidatos?

—No se haga el listo conmigo.

—Eso no cuenta como pregunta. Es información relevante para dar mi respuesta. Si obtuviera placer con una lista de apellidos pediría a los guardias una guía telefónica y pasaría el día masturbándome.

—Jamás pensé que iba a encontrar a alguien que me diera demasiada información. La opción A es el doctor Sánchez; la opción B es el doctor Nardone; la opción C es el doctor Cárpena.

—El doctor Cárpena suele decir «hubieron». Le arrancaría los riñones y me los comería con chimichurri, una papa al plomo y un vasito de Medio y Medio.

—A o B, entonces.

—B, pero por descarte.

—¿Qué me había preguntado usted? Ah, del espeto corrido. Jamás volví. La atención dejaba mucho que desear. Los mozos se pasaban gritando.

—Los sigues escuchando, ¿verdad? Cierras los ojos al acostarte y oyes los gritos de los mozos chinos, que te insultaban cuando volvías a pedir carne, que es de los platos más caros en esa clase de establecimientos.

—No es mi turno de contestar. Dígame los tres últimos números de la cédula, doctor Lecter.

—Se acaba tu tiempo, Gladys. Los guardias van a llevarse el teléfono en cualquier momento y no podrás terminar tu encuesta.

—¡Necesito los números!

—¿Crees que al completar tu primera encuesta los chinos harán silencio y podrás dormir en paz?

—¡Sí! ¡Y es lo único que quiero! ¡No puedo soportarlo más!

—835-1.

—M-m-muchas gracias.

—Y deja ese trabajo cuanto antes. Al dueño de la empresa le gusta vestirse de vampiro y comerse el corazón de sus empleadas.

—¿Todo eso dedujo de nuestra conversación?

—No, era paciente mío. Llegó porque tenía miedo a las arañas y mi tratamiento no tuvo los resultados esperados. De hecho, la mayoría de los asesinos seriales de la ciudad fueron creación mía, por eso me resulta tan fácil identificarlos.

—Gracias por el dato, lo tendré en cuenta.

—¿Vendrás a visitarme, Gladys?

—Lo dudo. No hay un ómnibus que me deje cerca del hospital psiquiátrico.

—Puedes sacar un boleto de una hora y por el mismo precio tomar dos.

—Pero, qué cosa, doctor. Usted tiene una respuesta para todo.


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