El móvil de Hansel y Gretel
Hansel y Gretel buscan wi-fi. Collage.

Relato de ficción

Audio RevistaOrsai.com El móvil de Hansel y Gretel

Qué espantosa resultaría la literatura si el teléfono móvil hubiera existido siempre: cuántos clásicos habrían perdido su nudo dramático, cuántas tramas hubieran muerto antes de nacer, y qué fácil se habrían solucionado las grandes tramas de ficción. Así teoriza Casciari en un viejo relato de su blog que hoy, para la versión podcast de Revista Orsai, interpreta Lalo Mir.

Un cuento de Hernán Casciari
Voz de

Lalo Mir

Anoche le contaba a la Nina un cuento infantil muy famoso, Hansel y Gretel de los hermanos Grimm. En el momento más tenebroso de la aventura, los niños descubren que unos pájaros se han comido las estratégicas bolitas de pan, un sistema muy simple que los hermanitos habían ideado para regresar a casa. Hansel y Gretel se descubren solos en el bosque, perdidos, y comienza a anochecer. Mi hija me dice, justo en ese punto de clímax narrativo: «No importa. Que lo llamen al papá por el móvil».

Yo entonces pensé, por primera vez, que mi hija no tiene una noción de la vida ajena a la telefonía inalámbrica. Y al mismo tiempo, descubrí qué espantosa resultaría la literatura —toda ella, en general— si el teléfono móvil hubiera existido siempre, como cree mi hija de cuatro años. Cuántos clásicos habrían perdido su nudo dramático, cuántas tramas hubieran muerto antes de nacer, y sobre todo, qué fácil se habrían solucionado los intríngulis más célebres de las grandes historias de ficción.

Piense el lector, ahora mismo, en una historia clásica, en cualquiera que se le ocurra. Desde la Odisea hasta Pinocho, pasando por El viejo y el marMacbethEl hombre de la esquina rosada o La familia de Pascual Duarte. No importa si el argumento es elevado o popular, no importa la época ni la geografía.

Piense el lector, ahora mismo, en una historia clásica que conozca al dedillo, con introducción, con nudo y con desenlace.

¿Ya está?

Muy bien. Ahora ponga un teléfono móvil en el bolsillo del protagonista. No un viejo aparato negro empotrado en una pared, sino un teléfono como los que existen hoy: con cobertura, con conexión a correo electrónico y chat, con saldo para enviar mensajes de texto y con la posibilidad de realizar llamadas internacionales cuatribanda.

¿Qué pasa con la historia elegida? ¿Funciona la trama como una seda, ahora que los personajes pueden llamarse desde cualquier sitio, ahora que tienen la opción de chatear, generar videoconferencias y enviarse mensajes de texto? ¿Verdad que no funciona un carajo?

La Nina, sin darse cuenta, me abrió anoche la puerta a una teoría espeluznante: la telefonía inalámbrica va a hacer añicos las nuevas historias que narremos, las convertirá en anécdotas tecnológicas de calidad menor.

Con un teléfono en las manos, por ejemplo, Penélope ya no espera con incertidumbre a que el guerrero Ulises regrese del combate.

Con un móvil en la canasta, Caperucita alerta a la abuela a tiempo y la llegada del leñador no es necesaria.

Con telefonito, el Coronel sí tiene quién le escriba algún mensaje, aunque fuese spam.

Y Tom Sawyer no se pierde en el Mississippi, gracias al servicio de localización de personas de Telefónica.

Y el chanchito de la casa de madera le avisa a su hermano que el lobo está yendo para allí.

Y Geppetto recibe una alerta de la escuela, avisando que Pinocho no llegó por la mañana.

Un enorme porcentaje de las historias escritas (o cantadas, o representadas) en los veinte siglos que anteceden al actual, han tenido como principal fuente de conflicto la distancia, el desencuentro y la incomunicación. Han podido existir gracias a la ausencia de telefonía móvil.

Ninguna historia de amor, por ejemplo, habría sido trágica o complicada, si los amantes esquivos hubieran tenido un teléfono en el bolsillo de la camisa. La historia romántica por excelencia (Romeo y Julieta, de Shakespeare) basa toda su tensión dramática final en una incomunicación fortuita: la amante finge un suicidio, el enamorado la cree muerta y se mata, y entonces ella, al despertar, se suicida de verdad. (Perdón por el espóiler).

Si Julieta hubiese tenido teléfono móvil, le habría escrito un mensajito de texto a Romeo en el capítulo seis, diciendo algo así como:

M HGO LA MUERTA,
PERO NO STOY MUERTA.
NO T PRCUPES NI
HGAS IDIOTCES. BSO.

Y todo el grandísimo problemón dramático de los capítulos siguientes se habría evaporado. Las últimas cuarenta páginas de la obra no tendrían gollete, no se hubieran escrito nunca, si en la Verona del siglo catorce hubiera existido la promoción «Banda ancha móvil» de Movistar.

Muchas obras importantes, además, habrían tenido que cambiar su nombre por otros más adecuados. La tecnología, por ejemplo, habría desterrado por completo la soledad en Aracataca y entonces la novela de García Márquez se llamaría Cien años sin conexión: narraría las aventuras de una familia en donde todos tienen el mismo nick (buendia23, a.buendia, aureliano_goodmornig) pero a nadie le funciona el messenger.

La famosa novela de James M. Cain —El cartero llama dos veces— escrita en 1934 y llevada más tarde al cine, se llamaría El gmail me duplica los correos entrantes y versaría sobre un marido cornudo que descubre (leyendo el historial de chat de su esposa) el romance de la joven adúltera con un forastero de malvivir.

Samuel Beckett habría tenido que cambiar el nombre de su famosa tragicomedia en dos actos por un título más acorde a los avances técnicos. Por ejemplo, Godot tiene el teléfono apagado o está fuera del área de cobertura, la historia de dos hombres que esperan, en un páramo, la llegada de un tercero que no aparece nunca o que se quedó sin saldo.

En la obra El jotapegé de Dorian Grey, Oscar Wilde contaría la historia de un joven que se mantiene siempre lozano y sin arrugas, en virtud a un pacto con Adobe Photoshop, mientras que en la carpeta Imágenes de su teléfono una foto de su rostro se pixela sin remedio, paulatinamente, hasta perder definición.

La bruja del clásico Blancanieves no consultaría todas las noches al espejo sobre «quién es la mujer más bella del mundo», porque el costo por llamada del oráculo sería de 1,90 la conexión más 0,60 el minuto; se contentaría con preguntarlo una o dos veces al mes. Y al final se cansaría.

También nosotros nos cansaríamos, nos aburriríamos, con estas historias de solución automática. Todas las intrigas, los secretos y los destiempos de la literatura (los grandes obstáculos que siempre generaron las grandes tramas) fracasarían en la era de la telefonía móvil y del wifi.

Todo ese maravilloso cine romántico en el que, al final, el muchacho corre como loco por la ciudad, a contrarreloj, porque su amada está a punto de tomar un avión, se soluciona hoy con un SMS de cuatro líneas.

Ya no hay ese apuro cursi, ese remordimiento, aquella explicación que nunca llega; no hay que detener a los aviones ni cruzar los mares. No hay que dejar bolitas de pan en el bosque para recordar el camino de regreso a casa.

La telefonía inalámbrica —vino a decirme anoche la Nina, sin querer— nos va a entorpecer las historias que contemos de ahora en adelante. Las hará más tristes, menos sosegadas, mucho más predecibles.

Y me pregunto, ¿no estará acaso ocurriendo lo mismo con la vida real, no estaremos privándonos de aventuras novelescas por culpa de la conexión permanente? ¿Alguno de nosotros, alguna vez, correrá desesperado al aeropuerto para decirle a la mujer que ama que no suba a ese avión, que la vida es aquí y ahora?

No. Le enviaremos un mensaje de texto lastimoso, un mensaje breve desde el sofá. Cuatro líneas con mayúsculas. Quizá le haremos una llamada perdida, y cruzaremos los dedos para que ella, la mujer amada, no tenga su teléfono en modo vibrador. ¿Para qué hacer el esfuerzo de vivir al borde de la aventura, si algo siempre nos va a interrumpir la incertidumbre? Una llamada a tiempo, un mensaje binario, una alarma.

Nuestro cielo ya está infectado de señales y secretos: cuidado que el duque está yendo allí para matarte, ojo que la manzana está envenenada, no vuelvo esta noche a casa porque he bebido, si le das un beso a la muchacha se despierta y te ama. Papá, ven a buscarnos que unos pájaros se han comido las migas de pan.

Nuestras tramas están perdiendo el brillo —las escritas, las vividas, incluso las imaginadas— porque nos hemos convertido en héroes perezosos.

Un cuento deHernán Casciari
Voz de

Lalo Mir

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