Las cartas de Thelma y Louise, tercera parte
Ilustración de Ana Bustelo. Orsai.

Crónica introspectiva

Audio RevistaOrsai.com Las cartas de Thelma y Louise, tercera parte

Ángeles y Josefina iniciaron un largo intercambio de mails en busca de un tema para una crónica pero, carta a carta, la exploración fue virando hacia un extremo inesperado. El capítulo de hoy nos deja un nudo en la garganta.

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De: Ángeles Alemandi
Para: Josefina Licitra
Enviado: 18 de julio de 2013

Josefina: anoche me dormí pensando en el campo de Raúl. Conciliar el sueño es difícil. Hace quince meses que no duermo. Mi hijo no sabe lo que es rendirse tres horas corridas. Me crecen más las ojeras que las uñas.

Suena a exageración, pero he tenido miedo de morirme de sueño. Qué estúpido parece ahora todo. Qué ironía la vida que de golpe me encuentra prometiendo lo que hasta hace veinte días me parecía una barbaridad. «Si zafo de esta, quiero otro hijo». 

La segunda vez que nos vimos, Raúl me llevó al campo. Caminamos entre juncos de casi un metro. Los más cortitos me pinchaban las piernas. No recuerdo de qué hablamos ese rato, mi cabeza estaba en otro lado: si llego a tener cáncer tal vez ya no pueda tener críos. Ya sé, no es de chica inteligente estar pensando así. Pero no hay manera de evitarlo.

El campo estaba amarillo. Esta Pampa es seca. La otra, la húmeda, no está donde yo vivo. Por eso no hay ombúes como imaginé al principio: hay caldenes. Se veían a cien metros. Todo lo demás era nada. Cómo una no va a sentirse tremendamente sola acá. Cómo hacer para no levantar la vista y ver ese monte y sentirse un poco Eusebia Escobar, la protagonista de Vagabundas, el libro que me recomendaste, Jose. 

Mientras hacía fuerza para dormir, para no pensar, la veía a Eusebia descalza sobre la arena, con el camisón como bandera flameando en el viento, soñando con su huida. Raúl Dorado es mi Pierre Sedeville, el tipo que se llevó a Eusebia en una avioneta azul. Pierre también era ganadero. Eusebia saltó arriba de su nave y lo dejó todo para ser la vagabunda migratoria que quería. Yo, a mi modo, también había subido quince minutos atrás al Renault 12 de un chacarero para escapar de mí misma.

En el lugar exacto donde Dorado cayó de rodillas había tres ramas perpendiculares. Dorado perdió la cuenta de la cantidad de personas que pasaron por ahí. A la mañana, a la tarde, a la noche han ido curiosos, «periodistas que me preguntan y vuelven a preguntar a ver si uno se pisa la piola», y otros que creen en estas cosas y vienen a absorber la vibra extraterrestre. Me agaché, toqué con la mano izquierda los troncos, enterré los dedos, sentí la humedad, cerré los ojos y pedí un milagro.

Jose, son casi las doce, me voy a llamar al doctor: solo me dirá si ya está el resultado de la biopsia, pero no me adelantará nada por teléfono. No sé cómo seguirá todo. Decime por favor si voy bien con esto. De a ratos me siento muy dispersa, me releo y ay, no sé. 

Hacé fuerza por mí. Te abrazo.


De: Josefina Licitra
Para: Ángeles Alemandi
Enviado: 18 de julio de 2013

Estoy en la ruta. Estuve cuatro días cerca de Balcarce en un lugar sin conexión a nada. Me habían dicho que en la cabaña había wifi, pero era un wifi de mentira. Casi me vuelvo loca. Solo me entraron cuatro mails. Uno fue el tuyo. Cuando te leí sentí que la sierra se había abierto solo para que tu mail bajara.

Me sentí muy cerca. Estoy cerca.

Decirte «vas bien» abre tantas preguntas sobre vida y escritura que todavía no me animo a decirte eso: vas bien.

Lo que quiero con el alma es que estés bien. Cruzo los dedos por hoy. 

Te mando un abrazo inmenso y te escribo mejor cuando salga de la ruta. Cualquier cosa vos decime y yo te busco en el auto azul.

Enviado desde un teléfono móvil.


De: Josefina Licitra
Para: Ángeles Alemandi
Enviado: 26 de julio de 2013 2:55

Ángeles, hermosa.

Fueron varios días sin saber de vos, hasta que recién entré a tu blog.

Pensaba darte mis excusas: el trabajo, el trabajo, el trabajo. Pero borré todo porque te leí.

No sé qué decir.

«Fuerza», «va a estar todo bien»: merecés algo mejor que esto. Pero busco la palabra que merecés y no aparece, quizá porque la palabra no la tengo yo. La palabra es tuya.

Creo que tenés que escribir, querida Ángeles. Hay que dar batalla por todos los frentes.

Te quiero mucho y te abrazo con una fuerza que viene de antes, de lejos, del cuerpo que nos fue dado cuando nacimos mujeres.

Jose.


De: Ángeles Alemandi
Para: Josefina Licitra
Enviado: 26 de julio de 2013

Jose, trabajé cinco años en un centro de salud. Fui recepcionista, tipeé ecografías, mentí diciendo que el doctor estaba demorado porque había tenido una urgencia cuando en realidad se había quedado dormido. Aprendí la jerga, los modos de nombrar lo espeluznante, la falsa contención, la empatía de algunos que es como la luz que se cuela debajo de la puerta y deja entrever la verdad. Odié ese trabajo, sin embargo mimeticé tan bien el código que pude ir descifrando todo con una anticipación dolorosa.

Cuando el viernes pasado el mastólogo nos hizo pasar al consultorio para darnos el resultado de la biopsia y noté ese movimiento casi inconsciente que hizo con la cabeza antes de empezar a hablar, confirmé lo que pasaba, lo que suplicaba que no fuera. No me acuerdo las palabras que usó para darnos la noticia. Sí recuerdo mi ahogo, los ojos mansos y azules de Cristian que se desfiguraban.

Tengo cáncer de mama. Me harán quimioterapia, iré a cirugía, necesitaré rayos.

Caí despedazada en una cama, quería licuarme. Me levanté al rato porque mi hijo me tiraba de las orejas. Lloré de nuevo porque recordé el imán que hice de souvenir para su primer cumpleaños, apenas tres meses atrás. Es una imagen de sus ojos que dice: «La vida es corta, la vida es bella, la vida es ahora». Pienso en eso todo el tiempo. El otro día vi en la tele una escena de salmones saltando contra la corriente. Mis palabras tienen algo de esos peces.

«La vida es corta, la vida es bella, la vida es ahora».

En un mail anterior te escribí: «No sé cómo se sostienen los sueños acá». Mi acá era el pueblito pampeano. Qué guacho el destino que hoy me trae de nuevo a Buenos Aires para que le ponga el cuerpo a un tratamiento. En esta ventana de tiempo —como diría Román— que abrió nuestra correspondencia, desnudé un poco todas las mujeres que me habitan. Dejé retazos de mi maternidad; de la tipa que extrañaba lo que ofrecía la ciudad y se paralizaba con la calma de una comarca como la de 1480 almas; de la periodista que temía que la comieran los ratones hocicudos de La Pampa; de la piba que se temía enferma y ahora mismo de una tarada que se sabe a punto de perder las defensas pero que está convencida de que va a ganar impunidad. No sé cómo sigue esto. En ningún sentido.


De: Josefina Licitra
Para: Ángeles Alemandi
Enviado: 26 de julio de 2013

Querida, vamos a hacer algo. Julio termina pero quedan todos los meses que vienen, quedan miles de meses. Vamos a hacer algo para (y por) el futuro.

Vamos a seguir haciendo esto. El pueblo ya no está, pero estás vos. Eso en realidad es lo que importa. Pienso en esa frase de Brecht: «Me parezco al que llevaba el ladrillo consigo para mostrar al mundo cómo era su casa».

Somos nuestro ladrillo, no hay con qué darle.

Cada vez que quieras, vos escribime. Yo mientras voy a pensar bien qué hacer con esto. Lo más difícil, en este caso, va a ser trabajar una edición tan delicada. Quiero decir: ¿cómo hacer para decir «esta palabra mejor no, esta tal vez sí, qué tal si esta idea la llevás a tal parte…» cuando estamos hablando de tu cuerpo? Pienso en esto y pierdo la brújula y siento que todo se vuelve un flan. Pero algo va a salir. Confío en mí pero sobre todo confío en vos. 

Hace unos días me preguntaba sobre nosotras, sobre nuestra entidad adentro y afuera de un texto. ¿Somos personajes, somos personas? Intuyo que finalmente el texto no va a ser sobre un pueblo, sobre un ovni o sobre una enfermedad, sino —en el fondo— sobre la escritura. 

Te mando un beso inmenso.

Cuando puedas contame cómo están tus cosas.

(Continúa la próxima semana)

Temas relacionados

#Literatura #Madre #Amor #Miedo #Hijo

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